Too Darned Hot

The latest alarming claim made by the climate change alarmists is that everyone’s sex life will suffer as a result of anthropogenic global warming. Their theory seems to derive from an old Cole Porter song, which famously observed that “According to the Kinsey Report, every average man you know much prefers his lovy-dovey to court when the temperature is low. But when the thermometer goes way up and the weather is sizzling hot, Mister, pants for romance is not. ‘Cause it’s too, too, too darned hot.”
The movie version of “Kiss Me Kate” has it “according to the latest report,” as any mention of Kinsey was considered too racy for ’50s audiences, even though the Ann Miller dance number is still somehow sexier than any obligatory big-name nude scene Hollywood has since filmed, which goes to show how the cultural climate is continually changing, but it’s still the same basic idea that the global warming alarmists are peddling. According to the National Bureau of Economic Research’s report, if our more conservatives readers will forgive our mention of the “N word” and the “B word” in the authors’ name, hot weather does indeed lead to a diminished “coital frequency.” The authors found that when the thermometer goes way up and the weather exceeds 80 degrees Fahrenheit, which is more specific than Cole Porter ever was, a significant decline in births shows up nine months later. This is a bad thing, according to the authors, who seem less concerned about a resulting worldwide crankiness from such diminished coital frequency than with the more easily quantifiable economic consequences.
All of which strikes us as peculiar, somehow. The climate change crowd is the same radical environmentalist crowd that has been openly yearning for a Gaia-saving decline in the human population for years, and they’re the same more broadly liberal crowd whose outspoken enthusiasm for exclusively non-procreative sex has not been diminished by the inevitable effects it will have on their beloved Ponzi scheme entitlement programs, and they don’t typically concern themselves with economic consequences. We note that the authors are also predicting an increase in air-conditioning sales, with a resultant increase in electrical use, which should have a salutary effect on the gross domestic product yet alarm the true believers, so the public relations strategy behind this latest alarming claim isn’t at all clear.
As much as we hate to ever disagree with the great Cole Porter, we’re also unconvinced of the claim that it’s ever too darned hot. Certainly not at a mere 80 degrees Fahrenheit, which is the sunrise temperature around here for most of the summer, when the women are most scantily dressed and Roy Orbison’s rendition of “Pretty Woman” seems to be playing in every man’s mind as they walk by, and if you’re waiting for the temperature to drop below a mere 80 degrees Fahrenheit it might be when the days grow short as you reach September. That’s here in the middle of the prairie, too, not on the more romantic beaches of Rio de Janeiro or the French Rivera or Paul Gaugin’s topless Tahiti, and we notice that even in the most war-torn and un-air-conditioned hellholes of the Middle East the birthrates remain high enough to have lately posed a problem for all those northern Europeans who are somehow reproducing at lower than replacement levels.
Judging by the content of your average hit sit-com or beer commercial, or even a half-century-old Ann Miller dance number, it’s going to take some significant warming to cool the public’s ongoing enthusiasm for sex. Paying the carbon taxes they climate change alarmists want to impose on top of the ones that were already there to pay for all those Ponzi scheme entitlement programs, and then picking up the tab for the sudden exodus of half the overpopulated warm-weather countries to the inexplicably infertile north, not to mention all that “yes mean yes” negotiating that the colleges and the feds are now insisting on, will probably discourage a high birth rate more than an 81-degree day ever did, and it might even interfere with all that non-procreative sex.

— Bud Norman