Today’s big story is that Southern Gothic novel of a Senate race taking place down in Alabama, but there’s no telling how that will turn out, and yesterday was a slow news cycle by recent standards. The biggest name to be added to the growing list of sex monsters was some celebrity chef we’ve never heard of, although a few more women came forward to credibly accuse President Donald Trump of sexual misbehavior, while his United Nations ambassador Nikki Haley said they should be heard, and as interesting as that is we didn’t feel like revisiting the topic just yet.
Our favorite story of the day was our beloved Wichita State University Wheatshockers climbing to third in the men’s college basketball rankings, but we won’t bore you out-of-towners with that, and a close second was that tear-jerking story about the bullied boy whose video went viral and prompted an outpouring of support from all sorts of sports and entertainment celebrities, but we don’t have anything to add to that. The other story that caught our eye was on the business pages, where they report that “bitcoins” are currently the hottest stock market offering, which reminded us of a favorite essay we penned about that scam way back when it launched, and it seemed a good opportunity to take a day off by reprising that scathing satire.
“Hello, I’m Bud Norman. You might remember me from such Gridiron skits as ‘God Testifies at the David Brace Trial,’ ‘North High Honky Mo-Fos,’ and ‘Chip Wilson and the Museum of Random Crap.’ Or maybe you vaguely recall me as that kid you used to beat up in the boys’ room at Brooks Junior High.
“In any case, you know me to be a honest man. Back in my hometown of Wichita they call me ‘Honest Bud,’ a nickname I have proudly carried ever since the day I found that glass eye on the bar at Kirby’s Beer Store and returned it to its rightful owner. With that kind of reputation for rock-solid integrity on the line, I’m proud to offer you fine folks the investment opportunity of a lifetime.
“Now, to the untrained eye this might look like an ordinary piece of stamped metal (holding up an ordinary piece of stamped metal), but in fact is is a revolutionary new financial instrumentt that will transform the world economy. This, ladies and gentleman, is a ‘Bud-coin.’
“Every Bud-coin is made from the finest tin, supplied by local gypsy scrap metal merchants, and is emblazoned on one side with a rendering of my own smiling face. On the other side are the words ‘caveat emptor.’ This is Latin, and I’m told that roughly translated it means ‘You can trust this guy, he’s all right.’
“That doesn’t really matter, though, because we aren’t actually going to stamp many of them. Instead, every purchase of a Bud-coin will be duly recorded on the Bud-Co Industries super-computer. When you purchase a Bud-coin the price will be subtracted from your account and transferred to whatever company your purchase from, along with our cut. This is what’s known as a ‘virtual currency,’ and you have to admit that sounds pretty darned high-tech and up-to-date.
“Still, you might be wondering why you shouldn’t keep making your financial transactions with those dirty and wrinkled dollar bills you’re used to. They were good enough for grandpa, you might be thinking, so why quit now? Well, for one thing, how much do you really know about your grandfather? God only knows what that old coot was up to when you weren’t around, and if you think back you’ll remember that your grandmother was always giving him that suspicious look. Perhaps more importantly, Bud-coins offer a number of advantages over those low-tech, old-fashioned dollars that are currently cluttering your wallet.
“For one thing, transactions made with Bud-coins are not taxable. Ordinarily you would have to move to Montana and arm yourself to the gills to achieve zero tax liability, but thanks to the miracle of Bud-coins you can now achieve that blissful state right in your own hometown. We still recommend a concealed carry permit, just to be safe, but for now the feds aren’t on to us.
Also, Bud-coins have no serial numbers or other identifying marks that allow the authorities to follow your transactions. This makes Bud-coins ideal for purchasing a gift for that special someone in your life that your spouse doesn’t know about, or even something so simple and mundane as buying a bag of weed. Even when weed is legal you’re still going to want to buy the tax-free good stuff from that hippie with the grow light in his closet, and Bud-coins are the prefect way to make that all-important score.
“What’s more, your holdings in Bud-coins could significantly increase in value. Some financial experts are calling Bud-coins the 21st Century version of Dutch Tulip Mania or the Beanie Baby craze, and others are saying it could be the next dot-com or housing bubble. For those who got out in time, as I plan to do, all of those worked out pretty well.
“As an added bonus, every purchase of a Bud-Coin also gives you a copy of my latest album, ‘The Many Moods of Bud.’ The crooning on this collection expresses the full range of my emotions, from ennui to despair.
“I know, I know, despite all these advantages you still have questions. You’re probably wondering what happens to all your money if the Bud-Co Industries super computer crashes while I’m watching one of those kinky Japanese porn videos with the pixilated private parts. Not to worry, as every entry is backed up on what the IT guys call ‘hard copy’ on abofficial Big Chief tablet. To ensure your security, every entry is indecipherably encrypted in my illegible handwriting.
“You might even be thinking this is a convoluted scam. You might be thinking, ‘Hey, I’m paying a guy to add a few digits to a computer program? What’s backing this up? Where’s the real value in this currency?’ Well, Mr. Picky-picky-picky, I would point out that Bud-coins operate on the same basic economic theory as the Federal Reserve Board, and if that doesn’t make you feel confident about your financial future, well, it’s not my fault.
So, if you’re bold enough and imaginative enough to trade some of those low-tech and old-fashioned dollars for something more high-tech and up-to-date, just drop us a line. Don’t be a luddy-duddy. Don’t be a moon calf. Don’t be a jabbernowl. You’re not those, are you? Step right up, and we’ll be glad to let you in on this exciting new venture.
“By the way, bitcoins and other virtual currencies are not accepted, as we deal strictly in cash.”
— Bud Norman