On the Rumored Death of Hillary Clinton

The internet rumor mill has had Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton at death’s door for some time now, but its latest claim is that she has already died. We expect her death will have some effect on the upcoming presidential election, if true, so we decided to consider the arguments being made. As far-fetched at it all seems, at this point just about anything seems possible in this crazy election year.
There turned to be a variety of Clinton-is-dead theories floating around, but at least they seem to agree on the basic fact that she is dead. They all seem to settle on the same evidence, which includes all those indisputable coughing fits that even the most polite media have been forced to acknowledge, and all that network-broadcast footage that does seem to suggest she’s not the most physically fit women in the world, not to mention that widely-viewed cell phone camera account of her collapse into the arms of her entourage as she made an early exit from a Sept. 11 memorial service, and the undeniable fact that the goofy faux-surprised face she sometimes makes sure does look like a seizure if subjected some herky-jerky editing. Throw in the fact that the woman who emerged from Chelsea Clinton’s apartment about two hours after the nominee’s looked more sprightly and youthful than one who collapsed into the campaign entourage’s arms, as well as some close-up looks at a unidentified shiny thing that dropped onto the ground during the collapse, and that some mumble-mouthed local television news anchor in Dallas led a report by saying “We begin with the breaking news about Hillary Clinton’s death,” with some strange transmission problems from the pool coverage of a recent campaign rally that suggests a faked “green screen” event, and it’s as good a death certificate to the internet rumor mill.
There is no cause of death listed, but it could be anything from that bout of pneumonia that was reported to pesky Parkinson’s Disease that’s been widely rumored to something far more sinister. Our favorite theory is that Clinton agreed to “vanish” in some devilish pact with the left-wing multi-billionaire super-villain George Soros, but there’s also the more predictable chatter about how the Democratic Party’s powers-that-be have lately panicked about the tightening opinion polls and decided to take drastic actions. Some theories hold that she’ll be replaced with one of the party’s two or three available body doubles to finish out the race, others that the doppelgängers and the “green screens” will only be used until another suitable candidate can be rustled up, and all agree that people are saying that something’s going on.
Which all seems somewhat possible if not at all probable in this crazy election, but we can’t help wondering where these women who are so unfortunate as to closely resemble Clinton come from, and whether the family and friends and neighbors who had long kidded them about the resemblance will notice their sudden unexplained absence for the rest of the campaign, or even for the four or eight next years of her presidency. Perhaps they’re homeless women who have been subjected to the sort of extensive plastic surgery that SPECTRE used to create that pilot’s body double who stole a nuclear weapon in “Thunderball,” but as bad as Clinton has been as a candidate we doubt they’d be up to even her standards. We also can’t help wondering why such a diabolically brilliant Democratic Party that could enlist every media in the country to collude in it’s “green screen” recreations of a news event would be taking so long to announce a new nominee, who couldn’t possibly bring the years of scandals and resulting unfavorable ratings as Clinton, and would be far better positioned against a Republican nominee with such years of scandals and resulting unfavorable ratings as Donald Trump.
Still, in this crazy election year we suppose anything is possible.

— Bud Norman