(The following info-mercial was originally presented at the recent “Gridiron” show. The show and its producers are not responsible for its content, no matter what your fancy-schmantzy lawyer might say.)
Hello, I’m Bud Norman. You might remember me from such Gridiron skits as “God Testifies at the David Brace Trial,” “North High Honky Mofos,” and “Chip Wilson and the Museum of Random Crap.” Or maybe you vaguely recall me as that kid you used to beat up in the boys’ room at Brooks Junior High.
In any case, you know me to be an honest man. Why, back in my hometown of Wichita they call me “Honest Bud,” a nickname I have proudly carried ever since the day I found that glass eye on the bar at Kirby’s Beer Store and returned it to its rightful owner. With that kind of rock-solid integrity on the line, I’m proud to offer you fine folks the investment opportunity of a lifetime.
Now, to the untrained eye this might look like an ordinary small piece of stamped metal (holds up an ordinary small piece of stamped metal), but in fact it is a revolutionary new financial instrument that will transform the world economy. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a “Bud-coin.”
Every Bud-coin is made from the finest tin, supplied by local gypsy scrap metal merchants, and is emblazoned on one side with a rendering of my own smiling face. On the other side are the words “Caveat emptor.” This is Latin, I’m told, and roughly translates as “You can trust this guy, he’s all right.”
That doesn’t really matter, though, because we aren’t actually going to make any of the things. Instead, every purchase of a Bud-coin will duly recorded on the Bud-Co Industries super-computer. When you make a purchase with a Bud-coin, the amount will be subtracted to your account and transferred to the person or company you are buying from. This is what’s known as a “virtual currency,” and you have to admit that sounds pretty darned high-tech and up-to-date.
Still, you might be wondering why you shouldn’t keep on making as your financial transactions with those dirty, wrinkled dollar bills that you’re used to. They were good enough for Grandpa, you might be thinking, so why quit now? Well, for one thing, how much do you really know about your grandfather? God only knows what that old coot was up to when you weren’t around, and if you think back you’ll remember that your grandmother was always giving him that suspicious look. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, Bud-coins offer a number of important advantages over those low-tech, old-fashioned dollars that are currently cluttering your wallet.
For one thing, transactions made with Bud-coins are not taxable. Ordinarily you would have to move to Montana and arm yourself to the gills in order to achieve zero tax liability, but thanks to the miracle of Bud-coins you can now reach that blissful state right in your own home town. We still recommend a concealed carry permit, just to be on the safe side, but for now the feds aren’t on to us.
Also, Bud-coins have no serial numbers or other identifying marks that allow the authorities to follow your transactions. This makes Bud-coins ideal for purchasing a gift for that special someone in your life that your spouse doesn’t know about, or even something so simple and mundane as buying a bag of weed. Even when weed is legalized you’re still going to want to buy the tax-free good stuff from that old hippie with the grow light in his closet, and Bud-coins are the perfect way to make that all-important score.
What’s more, your holdings in Bud-coins could significantly increase in value. Some financial experts are calling Bud-coins a 21st Century version of the Beanie Baby craze, and others are saying it could be the next dot-com or housing bubble. For those who got out in time, as I plan to do, all of those worked out very well.
As an added bonus, every purchase of a Bud-coin gives you a copy of my latest album, “The Many Moods of Bud.” The crooning on this collection expresses the full range of my emotions, from ennui to despair.
I know, I know, despite all these advantages you still have questions. You’re probably wondering what happens to all your money if the Bud-Co Industries super-computer crashes while I’m watching one of those kinky Japanese porn videos with the pixilated private parts. Not to worry, as every entry is backed up on what the IT guys call “hard copy” on an official Big Chief table. To ensure your security, every entry is indecipherably encrypted in my completely illegible handwriting.
You might even be thinking that this all sounds like some convoluted scam. You might be thinking “I’m paying this guy to add a few digits to a computer program? What’s backing this up? Where’s the real value in this currency?” Well, Mr. Picky-picky-picky, I would point out that Bud-coins operate on the same basic economy theory as the Federal Reserve System. If that doesn’t make you feel confident about your financial future, well, that is not my fault.
So, if you’re bold enough and imaginative to trade some of those low-tech, old-fashioned dollars for something more high-tech and up-to-date, just drop us a line. Don’t be a luddy duddy. Don’t be a moon calf. Don’t be a jabbernowl. You’re not those, are you? Step right up, and we’ll be glad to let you in on this exciting new venture.
By the way, bit-coins and other virtual currencies are not accepted. We deal strictly in cash.
— Bud Norman